Empty..but still here

This week I have struggled.

Really struggled.

I couldn’t even really tell you why.

It’s everything…and nothing…all rolled up together.

It forms a great big ball of blergh that makes me just want to stay in bed and hibernate.

I have been recovering from a badly sprained shoulder sustained while mountain biking with my middle boy. I hit the dirt hard and skidded. It is getting better, but aches all the time. The ache turns into a stabbing burn when I move it wrong, which seems to be a lot. I’m not a fan of pain, so I am getting very cranky about it.

The school holidays are over, so I am back at work. I normally like work. Not so much at the moment. Everyone is annoying me. Everything feels too hard.

I am trying to get the house clean and tidy, but really can’t be bothered. I start doing something, then just stop…no reason why. The house just feels like a house, not like my home. Which is stupid, it IS my home. It is my stuff, and my families stuff. But it still feels wrong.

So I give up on the house and go to do things in the garden. I just end up sitting at the table in Mum’s garden, staring into space. Thinking of nothing. Thinking of everything.

I am missing Mum. Like, REALLY missing Mum. I don’t know why now so much more than before, but it is like a physical pain. I am not sleeping well, and my first emotion upon waking each morning is extreme sadness.

Sometimes I wake already crying.

It is very hard to shake off, and continue with the day. Sometimes I just don’t want to.

We have been seriously looking into buying an investment property. Using the money from Mum. All she wanted was for us to get our shit together, and be secure, so I know it is something she would approve off. She would be so happy for us. We signed a bit of paper the other day, putting a hold on a place. Subject to this, that, and the other. It’s not final, it might not happen, we need to wait and see. After we signed I started to get shaky. Really shaky. The guy thought I was nervous.. After he left I went into the bathroom, not sure if I was going to throw up, or burst into tears.

I did neither, just stood there, staring at the mirror. At the face that looks so much like hers. Even with all my hair cut off I look so much like her. But I didn’t look nervous, or stressed, or grieving…I looked empty.

I felt empty.

I still do.

I am making an effort, trying to be cheerful at work. Spending time with my family. Getting excited about the big holiday we have planned. And I am excited, I really am. But underneath it all I still feel empty.

Because Mum is dead.

We can buy a property…because Mum is dead.

We can pay off our debts…because Mum is dead.

We can go on an amazing holiday…because Mum is dead.

And I just want her back

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6 thoughts on “Empty..but still here

  1. Im so sorry sweetie, I wish I could take your pain away but I know I cant. I dont know how you feel about praying but sometimes I miss my daughter so much I have to stop what im doing and I will pray, but I talk to her. I tell her I miss her and that mommy and daddy will be with her one day, and afterwards I do usually feel a little better. Sending hugs your way.♥♥♥

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    • Thank you.
      It just seems to be extra hard at the moment. I’m not much of a prayer person, but I do find myself talking to her a lot. It sometimes helps a bit. I’m finding that I want to put photos and mementos EVERYWHERE, but I don’t think that’s good for my kids, so I’m trying to be a little sensible.
      I know that just like you, I will get through this grief…one day at a time xxxx

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  2. So sorry. My kids are usually the only thing that can help when it hits me hard. I snuggle them up and try to think how she would want me to be happy. It sucks bad. Time has helped some, but it still hurts. Thinking of you and sending hugs and peaceful thoughts your way.

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    • I know what you mean about the kids. I just want to hug them tight until the pain passes. Unfortunately my youngest (he’s 9) is struggling to deal with his own grief, mine just makes him worse. I don’t try to hide how sad I am, but try not to let it be an everyday thing. I’m trying to show him it’s OK to be happy, it’s OK to feel sad…it’s just OK. So that means I have to be OK and happy some of the time…..or at least look like I am!

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  3. My heart aches for you with this. I know not only as a therapist, but as a person who has experienced grief as well, that nothing can be said to make you feel better in that moment. The pain is part of the process. It sounds to me like you have extraordinary love for your mother, and that surpasses death. Take the time you need to heal and do what you need to do to feel better. Reflect, listen to your body, and know that with time the pain will lessen, but your love for her will not fade.

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    • Thank you, your words resonated with me so much that I started crying as I was reading your comment! My Mum really was my idol. She was strong, tough, loving kind and so determined. She packed up 2 kids and her whole life in 1 suitcase and moved to the other side of the world, so we could have things better. She worked hard, had fun, and always followed her dreams. I feel very adrift without her, but know she is still close by, in my heart. All I can do is live my life the best I can, and make her proud.

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