Today it has been 8 months..
8 months since my world turned upside down.
8 months since things stopped making sense.
8 months since you didn’t wake up.
8 months, and yet it still doesn’t feel real.
I still find myself thinking ‘I have to tell Mum that’, or ‘I’ll just send this photo to Mum, she’ll love it’. I still have your number in my phone. I just can’t bring myself to delete it. Like if I do I will somehow be deleting you. It makes no sense at all. But then, I often don’t make sense these days. I’m trying to learn to just roll with the emotions.
I don’t sleep well anymore, and wake every morning missing you, missing you so much it hurts. Every day is a weird roller-coaster ride, never quite knowing how I am going to feel. Or how I will cope.
Jared is struggling without you too. He has trouble sleeping, and frequently has bad dreams. He crawls into bed with me crying. He gets sad and teary often, and has photos of the two of you next to his bed. He has started to wear your hat to school now. He is so angry he didn’t get to come to Perth that last trip down, that he didn’t get to see you that last time. If only we had known what was to come.
We have been working through it together. One step, one day at a time. We have planted a Memory Garden for you. You would love it Ma, it is nice and shady, full of flowers and colour. There is a little table and chairs under the tree, the perfect spot for a cuppa. Jared and I often make a pot, in your spotty orange teapot, and sit out there together. We talk about you, and have a smile and a laugh. We have even put the aviary out there, so we can listen to Budge and his mates chirp. I know how much you always loved that sound.
The kids are growing, reaching milestones and doing things that I can’t share with you. You would be so proud of them Mum. It tears me apart not being able to share all the little moments with you. All the silly, ridiculous stuff that nobody else really cares about. You always cared. You always had time. Things are moving on without you. Yet you are not entirely gone. Not a day, not a minute goes by that I don’t think of you. You shaped who I am while you were here with me, and now that you are gone your loss is changing me, shaping me a little differently. I just wish I could talk to you.
I wish I could tell you how much I love you. How much I miss you. How very proud I have always been of you. I wish I could lose myself in one of your never-ending hugs.
I just wish you were still here.
God I miss you Mum.
I love you so very much, and I am so incredibly proud that I get to call you my Mum.
Love you forever, Titch