An open letter to my estranged sister, on the morning of her wedding

An open letter to my estranged sister on her wedding day

 

I know all that has passed between us has been hard, and often hurtful, but there are some things I need you to know.

To start the past is the past, we both have faults, and we are who we are. We are different people, and will never ever be friends. But we will always be sisters, even if we don’t want to be.

Today is your wedding day. I hope it’s a happy day for you. I hope you can focus on the joy and love of the day, and that Mum’s absence doesn’t make it too hard for you. I know you will be thinking about her, and missing her like crazy. I know she would be so happy that you are finally healed enough to take this step. Take some quiet time to remember her, and how much she loved you. Shed your tears, but then put them aside. Mum always only wanted you to be happy. So be happy, for her.

I wish I could be there with you. Be there for you. That I could help you get ready, laugh at your nerves, pour you a drink. I wish I could be a part of your day, however small a part. I know why you didn’t invite me. I get it. It’s been so long since we have spoken. There is so much pain and hurt. On both sides. I know in my heart that you made the best choice for you, and I get it. It’s your wedding day. But man, I wish I was there. I want it so much it hurts.

I wish I could somehow change the past. Change the way we both acted.At least find some way to get past it. But the past shapes the present, and we both have to live with it. I want you to know that I am sorry for my part in our problems, and that I forgive yours. I really do. I’m not past the pain and hurt, but I forgive your part in causing them. I hope one day you can forgive mine.

I hope today marks the start of a beautiful marriage, and that your life with your family is everything you want it to be. I hope you acheive your dreams, with your husband standing by your side. I wish you every happiness life has to offer.

I really just want you to be happy. Every day, but especially today. Be happy.

I want you to know that no matter how far apart we are, how distant, you are still my sister. I still love you. I couldn’t stop if I tried.

Always,

the Freckle-Faced Monster

 

 

 

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Dark days ahead

It’s that time of year again.

The dark, grey and brooding time.

When no matter how warm and bright it is outside, I just can’t seem to see the sun.

It’s not that I want to feel this way, I just can’t seem to help it. I can’t seem to shake the knowledge of what lies around the corner.

You see, Saturday the 7th of May should have been my Mums 62nd birthday. Then Sunday is Mother’s Day. So two big, nasty, emotional days right on top of each other. Not even giving me room to catch my breath.

This is the 3rd birthday that she hasn’t been here for, the 3rd Mother’s Day without her. It should be starting to feel normal….but it’s not. It just feels so wrong. Thinking about it makes me feel so empty. Only I’m not empty, I’m full of the sharp and shattered pieces of what used to be, what should still be. What will never be again. The jagged edges of pain feel like they cut into my very being, leaving me broken and bleeding.

Yet in some small way I relish the pain, I perversely don’t want it to end. Because maybe when the pain ends, when the pieces are not so sharp, maybe my memories will be blunted too. Maybe I will start to forget. And the thought of that feels like losing her all over again.

So I take a deep breath, calm myself, and walk through the darkness. I know there is light there. I know there is warmth.

I know that no matter what, no matter where, I will always feel my Mum in the sunshine.

My Christmas Wish. Grief and loss in the holiday season

  

 
I’m missing you this Christmas

I’m wishing you were here,

I’m trying to be merry, 

to be full of Christmas cheer

I smile for all the kiddies

I try to play the game

but now that you are not around

nothing feels the same.

I look at all the Christmas lights

they are twinkling so bright,

but I feel a secret darkness

that is eating up the night.

I can’t get excited about Santa,

or singing Christmas songs,

because  you are not here with us

and that just feels so wrong.

There’s an empty chair at my table,

there’s a space under my tree,

I’m missing you this Christmas

I just want you here, with me

KCoutts

If Only

 

If Only…

If only I could see you again
see your precious smile,
what I wouldn’t give to hold your hand
for just a little while.
To hear your laugh ring loudly,
to be smothered in a hug,
to feel the warmth only you could bring,
to be safe within your love.
So many things I would say to you
I don’t know where to start,
I guess the only thing that matters is
“I love you, with all my heart”

KCoutts/2015

 

It’s been 2 years without my Mum now. Two long, slow, heartbreaking years. So much has changed, so much is different.

I wish she could be here with us, and watch everyone grow.

Well, I survived last week. A little mentally battered, my heart a little bruised, but I survived.

It was a tough week for me. Mum’s birthday was on Thursday (she should be 61) then just a few days later was Mother’s Day.

I could feel the week approaching for a long time before it got here, and was waiting with dread. Anticipating how much it would hurt, what a mess I would be. My moods were very unstable…and bad. (totally had my bitch on)

I struggled to cope with work, being friendly and polite (both to staff and customers). I was horrible to be around at home. My poor family 😦

In the end I decided to take Thursday off work, just in case. I really wasn’t sure how I would be. I’m really glad I did.

Not because I was a mess (I was, but it was bearable), but because I had an enjoyable day.

I sent Master J off to school, then had the house to myself while the other kids slept in. I took advantage of the quiet to let all the emotions out, and had a good cry. It needed to get out.

Then I decided to get on with things. I spent the morning working in the garden, concentrating on Mum’s memory garden. I always enjoy gardening, and feel closer to Mum outside. I tidied the garden, planted new plants, rearranged a little. Generally pottered about.

Then I went and cleaned up, and baked some scones. Mum was a sucker for a good Devonshire Tea, so that seemed fitting. When the little man got home from school, we took the scones outside into the garden, along with a big pot of tea (in Mum’s spotty teapot of course). We were able to sit around and remember Mum, with smiles and laughs (and yes, a few tears) It was really nice, and felt very cleansing.

The rest of the day was uneventful, my emotions all up and down and all over the place.

And then there was Mother’s Day.

I made an effort to keep the bitch at bay, and mostly succeeded. The kids and I walked the Mother’s Day Classic fun run. (Will leave teenage girl at home next time, bad attitude plus). Came home, opened prezzies, then lay down and watched a movie together. I felt very drained, so it was a good pace for me.

I mostly kept it together, but there was an underlying ‘sad’ all day. I guess that’s to be expected, and may never really pass.

But I got through. I made it out the other side, without doing too much emotional damage to myself.

I still feel flat, and very sensitive. I still have a super-short fuse. But I’m working on it. I will get there.

I still miss my Mum.

A fresh start

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So this year is drawing to a close. Fading into twilight, ready for a new dawn.

It is bittersweet to see the closing of 2014, as it has been an odd year, a roller-coaster year, a year of extremes.

😦  It has been the first complete year without my Mum. This has, of course, been a really hard thing to get my head around. It has come with it’s own set of emotions and illogical behavior. It has raised a whole new set of challenges for my grieving boy. We are getting through it slowly, and we will be OK.

:/  This has been the year we were able to start the process of building an investment house. This is still ongoing, but the process has been started. It has only been possible because of Mum.

🙂  We have been on an amazing, long holiday, which was sorely needed by us all. It was full on, busy and heaps of fun.

🙂  I have added some chooks to my little menagerie, and now enjoy fresh eggs every day. They are very tame and friendly, and like to get attention.

🙂  The health of my immediate family members has been steadily improving. We are recovering from the challenges of late last year, and finding our feet again.

😦  My running has totally taken a backseat, and is virtually nonexistent now. I haven’t been back to PT all year. However I have been doing really well with my eating habits, so I don’t feel too bad about it.

😦  Work has been taking is toll on me. New management and internal politics have been hard for me to deal with, particularly in my current frazzled, only-just-coping mental state.

🙂  We have been working hard on improving my sons reading abilities, and are finally seeing some progress. More would be made if I could focus on it better, but I can only do my best.

😦  I feel I have been dropping the ball in all areas of my life, letting things slide. Family, home-life, cleaning, work and exercise. All have suffered due to my very lack-luster attitude.

🙂 My eldest son has decided to move up and live with us for a while. He has been getting into some strife at his Dad’s house, so is looking for a fresh start. It is great to see him engaging with us, excited about being part of our family. It makes me proud to see the effort he is making to help around the home, and make himself useful to my husband. I really think he can do well up here, and I love having him around.

So all in all 2014 has been a very mixed bag.

2015 however, is what we make of it.

It will be the year I pull myself out of the funk I am in. Be more present for my kids, put solid effort into the reading focus. It will be the year I start running again, as I enjoy it so much, and it is so good for my head-space. It will be the year I learn to survive without my Mum, as hard as that is to bear. This will be a golden year.

Because it will be what we make it.

Solitary

Lovin the roadside spinifex grass.

Lovin the roadside spinifex grass.

My son took this photo of me yesterday. Just a random snap, as I was heading out to pose for a different shot.

I’m not sure why, but I really like it. As in, I totally love it.

In some strange way it seems to capture a lot of my life and feelings at the moment.

Endless blue sky…and I’m looking down.

Surrounded by natures beauty…but concentrating too intently to see it.

Solitary in a vast open space.

Alone with my thoughts.

The Tide. A poem of grief and loss

Turn the tide

A poem for the people who are helping a loved one through their grief.

Just be there for them, hold them. Support them when they crumble. It may not seem like much to you, but it feels like a lifeline to them.

I am lucky. I have an amazing husband who gets this, he is my rock.